1. |
How I Survive
04:44
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All this time, it’s only been twenty-two years
Much of it spent learning to deal with my fears
Look to my schoolwork, to my sister’s kind ears
When she was gone I became one with my tears
Now this year I’ve felt safety deprived
Like I’m floating around in a memory archive
Have to remind myself all this time I’ve stayed alive
And look inside because this is how I’ll survive
And I sink back to the brink of losing
Helpless to my body bruising
But it makes me realize
All the strength that lies inside
Sink back to the brink of losing
Helpless to my body bruising
But I always realize
All the strength I have inside
This is how - this is how I survive
Life was seeming good, then it defied
I was young, naive with no guidance, and love lied
I should’ve known I wasn’t ready inside
I let her own me - it was how I survived
Way back in school, boy looked at me and said
‘I bet your life is easy tread’
Well, I was good at concealing my pain
Pretending I was fine is how I stayed sane
When the days turn to grey and I’ve found you
I can break all the fake waves around you
Cuz I create all these ways to defy you
I can say what it takes to unwind you
When the days turn to grey and I’ve found you
I can break all the fake waves around you
Cuz I create all these ways to defy you
And I know that the strength lies inside you
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2. |
Backtracking
03:55
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After high school
When I met you
Never thought you
Would be so cruel
In the end
I’ve never felt so
much like a side ho
I never thought you
Would be so cruel
In the end
We didn’t start well
And we didn’t end well
Oh, we
were both broken
It was unspoken
Love was a token
I didn’t know then
About the end
But I still miss you
I shouldn't but I do
I miss you
It was a deathtrap
Know when I recap
Not that you knew that
You can’t take all the rap
It’s on me too
I can take my part
I know in my heart
I had up my guard
And I was so hard
To understand
Oh, but when I met you I noticed something
I noticed what you’d say
The things you’d do
It was all untrue
I wish then I’d knew
Couldn’t believe you
Save so much hurt
I applaud
The gods are awed
At your acting
I’m backtracking
And there’s nothing I can do
I’m never going to forget you
And I’m never going back to you
But I can’t lie to myself anymore
I miss you
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3. |
Sad Girl Disposition
05:16
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Claustrophobic
In a redneck town
I want to party in the big city
But I’m so damn sad all I feel is self pity
Sad girl disposition
You’ve known that all along
That sad girl disposition
And I don’t know right from wrong
And I got it from attrition
Cause I just can’t play along
And I’m losing my ambition
With the dark nights dawn till dawn
I want to love I wanna make money
I want glory and fame
But I want it in a different body
With a different name
Writing the same old shit
And you’ve had enough of it
Head gives life ammunition
It must be this damn sad girl disposition
Spirit running low
Eyes unfocused
This sad girl’s gotta
Find the Sad Locus
Writing songs like it’s productive
At least this sad girl is conductive
Running an anxiety current
Making art I always have to fucking earn it
Sad girl intuition
I’ve known it all along
Sad girl inquisition
Keeping me up all night long
Sad girl composition
Embedded deep within my bones
Sad girl disposition
That I’m ready to disown
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4. |
Porcelain Doll
03:37
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So you pretty porcelain doll
Arch your back and stare at the wall
Cover ears and “la da da da”
You know you can have it all
So you fit that crystal glass shoe
Only girl that he wants is you
Cover ears and “la da da da”
He’s someone you can get used to
He’s the one, yeah
If there is one at all
He’s the one, yeah
You’re his pretty porcelain doll
Try to take up as little space
As your saddened soul can face
Cover ears and “la da da da”
Stall your thoughts to keep at that pace
Swallow hard that lump in your throat
Arch your back and let him gloat
Cover ears and “la da da da”, oh
Close your eyes, your heart devote
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5. |
I Let You Own Me
03:16
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Well I float away
Pretend you don’t know me
Put it all away
I can be happy
Well I float away
I don’t really know you
Make it all go away
I can be happy
I forgot what to do on my own
Without you
I let you own me for so long
Now what do I do?
Monday is my holiday
Takes me away from me
I take it day by day
I can be happy
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6. |
Interlude
02:09
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7. |
Haunted
03:42
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I’m haunted
By all the things
I know I
Won’t ever get to be
I’m haunted
Boredom akin to me
Living the nuclear life
Just trying to break free
The parties, the drugs and the big estate
The money, the loving and the tragic fate
The hidden rose garden, creeping vines on the gate
The sadness, the madness and the badness, hey
I’m haunted
By all the things
I know I
Won’t ever get to be
I’m haunted
Spirits whispering
Potential
With no credentials
Romanticize
Fast life and young death
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8. |
Big Toes
02:32
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Black and gold nail polish
Polka dots on my big toes
Smoky eyes and tattoos
Making sure nobody knows
I'm sick on the inside.
They say I have a pretty face
Wearing Lolita lace
Short hot summer dresses
Making sure nobody guesses
I'm sick on the inside.
My smile is contagious
My face is stuck like this
Say my words calm and slow
Making sure nobody knows
I'm sick on the inside.
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9. |
Unwooded
04:00
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Woke up in the early morning
Pretend I’ve a different body day
Binder, wig and plaid blouses
Are not enough to suppress this today
Slip into my regular mode
Still can’t wear the dresses though today
Voice too high won’t make a sound
Gender binary’s got me down day
Unwooded go in my mouth
Slide down to that special place
Bring with you that wet embrace
Put a smile on my face
Play with me the way you do
I’ll fall further in love with you
Justify this awful day
Take all the regret away
Guess I’m hanging with the girls
That’ll make me feel less on display
Gotta work on this problem
Go back to that time so far away
Back when I was beautiful
And that didn’t hurt my soul, no way
Back when I just had no clue
That no one else I knew had felt this way
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10. |
Long Island Iced Tea
04:29
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Come visit me at the top
When I’m eating gold for breakfast
Please do ‘cause you’re the bestest
and it’s lonely all by myself
You and me are like
Sweet sugar and spice
Peppermint schnapps on ice
Ooh, you and me
We could drink long island iced tea
And watch cult classes movies
Ooh, find me
In the secret garden, here’s the key
You can be anybody with me
I see it in my mind’s eye
Drinking wine out of mason jars
Smashing patriarchy under the stars
You make me feel wild
You and me are like
Warm, sweet summer nights
Kissing in the streetlights
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11. |
Three Years
04:19
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Who’s that got the music?
Who’s that letting go of this?
Waking up to this sometimes
And the past blasts back like a boomerang on crack
But I won’t fall back to black
It’s been three years
And you still haven’t learned
Don’t want you in my world
Cuz I refuse now to get burned
Three years
And the wounds you left still aren’t quite sewn
Now it’s no not maybe
Learned it all baby
When your dark side was shown
Now I have to remember
You’re not nice you’re a manipulator
I want you out now
What is the answer?
It’s the same damn thing again
‘Haven’t seen you in years’
‘Miss you stalling all my fears’
‘I’m all voice and no ears’
It’s been three years
And you say that you have changed
And now the past is so strange
And us you wanna rearrange
But I keep saying
Just leave me alone
But you won’t get off your thrown
And I feel like I’m still owned
For all the times
That you made me cry
I’m saying goodbye
And I won’t say it one more time.
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Shiloh Rage Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
I'm a non-binary (they/them) ball of anxiety and I make music in my bedroom, which is my home.
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